Petzzzz

I'm beginning to wonder what the hell we get pets for. What could they possibly add to our quality of life. They either shit in the house or you have to walk them out in the rain, snow, sleet and dead of night. They shed, peel or molt, always on whatever you own that is opposite their color. They sleep all day while you're at work and all night it's a constant barrage of "give me attention - give me attention." I've heard say that people will come out of a coma when given a puppy or kitten. Sure they do, they wanna strangle the thing.

I have experience the joy of pet ownership since birth and believe me - I know - Pets suck.
When I was little we moved in with these people who had a three legged poodle. My brother, also little (5 maybe) so annoyed this damn poodle that it hopped away. Bye bye poodle. We got older so the dog got bigger, German Shephard. I don't even wanna know what kinda owner it had before cuz the first time it saw me in a robe, holding a paper, it attacked. The shephard loved rabbits though, which I know cuz he burst through the screen and just chewed them to pieces. I got to shovel the guts. Bye Bye Rabbits.

Once on my own I though, no more pets, simple. Not so simple. The collection of cats began with a calico with this snaggle tooth and bad attitude. She would not let anyone pick her up (except me and that's only cuz I didn't beat her to death for tearing a rip down my arm the first night), we went to the shore for the summer and when I went to load her into the car she bit me (my arm swelled bigger than a leg yo). Bye now Seasons. Than we got midnight, midnight was the epitome of evil. She found a way to fly into the air, hold on with one paw and grab the canaries outta the cage with the other. One day I seen her with this screaming bird in her mouth looking at me. I yelled, put that shyt down dammit (I hate birds) but with a twinkle in her eye (and I'm sure a song in her heart) she bit down. Bye Midnight.

We got a dog after, Charlie. We got this lab mix at Northshore - older street dog. This dog decided that going to the bathroom out in public was indecent and refused to go. We tried everything imaginable to teach this moron including chaining her to a wall with papers under her for a month. The minute we let the chain go she ran into the other room and went. Bye Charlie. We then got Suzie, Suzie was a cutie but we had a lot of hyperactive kids hanging out at my house at the time. This drove Suzie crazy 'til one day she decided she wanted to end her life and jumped off my roof (third story) - she managed to miss all the spikes and lived. Two days later she raced outta the building into the street. Again, she lived only her leg was badly broken. The vet quoted a price that left us stunned and speechless so we gave her to my ex's rich uncle, bye Suzie.

Never say die though right? We went through the Iquana phase. Petland was always selling these suckers cheap and we quickly found out why, they were all in critical condition. Time and again we would take it home, put it in the tank and in less than a week transplant it to the backyard (which we renamed the Iguana Burial Grounds.) We thought maybe getting a humongous one would help so a friend gave us a six footer. We lost it though in my daughter's room. It ran away (down the side of the building) and fled for it's sanity. My kid's room was such a mess we only gave up after looking for a week. The last iguana though was my biggest heartbreak, it stayed real small and lived for a good six months or so, thus, I got attached. One day it just started gasping for air so I tried to give it CPR, it exploded. That jaded me on the who iguana thing.

We than chose cute and cuddly hamsters. Yeah, the two of them were just adorable until it became the 22 of them. All night long 22 running vermin next to my bed - I started looking into therapy. Eventually one ate the other and the numbers diminished until there once again was two, and we gave them to my son's friend J---, yeah him. Than he had 20+ but he had a better way to get rid of them - he just dumped them into the cages at Petland. Ha suckers, selling me terminally ill iguanas.

We went back to birds since the cats were gone but it was cold and we hung the cage over the kitchen doorway and turned on the stove, guess there was a gas leak, bye bye birdies.
We got a dog after that, kinda a demented birthday gift for my 5 year old. It was a full breed cocker spaniel. Something, however, was amiss as this cocker was almost three feet tall. It spent half its life filthy and the other half costing us a fortune in grooming bills. It was weird cuz at one point there was this horrible smell emitting from its mouth, like maggots or something, so we take it to the vet only to find that it needed plastic surgery to make it go away. Yeah, okay, I'm gonna get the family dog plastic surgery before me. But still the dog had a real sense of self cuz once we took it to this cheap groomer who just made it the first ever completely bald cocker spaniel. The dog refused to walk in the street that way, it was embarassed. Well, I'm sure it looked much better being dragged with its legs outstretched down the sidewalk with my ex huh? Due to our limited ability to deal with the world's stupidest dog (dumb dumb dumb) we gave it to a friend who just ADORED it for their kids. Bye Cherokee.

Next we got the fat cat. Whoa this cat is huge. Anyone who lays eyes on it thinks it's the shyt, I think it's just shyt. She lays around shedding and eating all day and that's it. She developed a real hatred of me so whenever I would wash dishes she'd go to the bathroom and fill the litter, she'd only rub up on me when I was wearing black, she'd lay in my drawer the minute it was open, she'd tear at only my sneakers and leather coat - argh. But my entire family adored her highness so she stayed until I left.

Now there's little fellow and the members of the U.S. Catolympic team. They fly through the air, have races up and down my hardwood floors, climb up and jump from EVERYTHING, fit into the smallest spaces known to man, eat more than any sumo wrestler ever. They are these irritating little creatures who live in any step I'm about to take. Now the beauty is I either developed an allergy or there's just so many of these bastards that now I'm allergic to them - and they are forever near me. I can picture them causing my demise - resperatory problems - the whole nine. Yup, thinking of moving my bed to the back yard now and just letting them keep the house. Argh.

But now for the disclaimer *I have, over the past zillion or so years, been mommy to many other pets whose fates were kinder, and whose presence was not so traumatic. It is important to know that no animals, living or dead (except that iguane) has ever been hurt by me (unless you call the occassional step on the kittens who dart at my feet pain.)