Ask the Questions Your Don't Really Want the Answers To

Ask the Questions that you Don't want answers to Current mood: bored
I have heard it said that if you don't want the answer, don't ask the question. That is a pithy saying with little substance, which on the most part, if followed, would be counterproductive to living a good and meaningful life. Wouldn't it be nice if every question were answered in a way that would make US happy? Of course, that is impossible, since what makes US happy might make THEM miserable. I have seen people ask the question: "How are you today," and continue to walk without pause. Do they merely ask to be superficially polite, and if so, what effect do they think walking away as someone is answering has on that image? This is one type of question that many do not want to hear the answer to. "How are you today?" is a booby-trapped question which offers little to the act of communication. How do you answer this question? Do you say, "Well, my corns are hurting and my girdles is too tight but that's O.K. since I'm only going to visit my daughter in jail and my son in the institution." Of course not, even if it is true. On the most part you will hear the response "Fine". But, are you really fine? The reason that you answer fine is two-fold, one being the desire to maintain your privacy and the other being the fact that you know the person asking does not care at all about your issues. By answering fine you acknowledge only the act of a question being asked, and in return you feel the necessity to say "And you?" Let's look at that, what is actually being said in this exchange?

"Hello, I've got nothing else to say to you but since you are still looking at me I'll try the old 'How are you?' I just really hope you know the million dollar answer."

The other person in turn is saying, "Fine, as if you give a damn that I only have six months to live and I have now wasted five minutes of that time talking to you. Now I'll have to ask you the same thing, I just hope you don't waste any more of my time telling me."

Pretty nice exchange huh? Of course this does not apply to everyone; however, I have seen it more often than not. Why not, for a change of pace, ask the question "How are you?" and mean it. There are signs that you are being genuine -- such as stopping to hear an answer. People due tend to notice the difference in a question asked with sincerity. You might want to follow up the "How are you" with "and how is Jennie and Chris?" Take some time and share a meaningful rapport with a person with whom you are acquainted. You might actually enjoy a brief diversion to the day's hustling and bustling.

Another question often laced with land mines is "Am I happy?" When you ask yourself that question what answers come to mind?

• Nobody is really happy.
• Sometimes.
• No, but if I hit the Lotto I would be.
• No, but if I had a new job I would be.
• No, but if I had my own home I would be.
• No, but if he or she were nicer to me I would be.

For the record, if you are not happy now, no "but if I" event will change that. Happiness is an emotion derived by a sense of satisfaction in living a life in tune with your principles. Being free from envy, overindulgence, anger, greed and regret. You are the only one who can make you happy.

NOBODY controls your moods and happiness level but you. Certainly there are times which try one's soul, and at those moments you may feel certain that you are going to pop an artery in your head; however, no matter how outrageous the situation, you have the ultimate power to choose how you will allow these events to affect you. Scream and yell if you want, but understand, it is because you want, not because someone MADE YOU. Nobody can make you feel or think anything that you are not prepared to feel or think. It's like a small child sitting in a car, no matter how many times you tell them the story of the bus driver, the sign post and the ripped off arm, they do not believe that it will happen to them, thus you cannot make them afraid. Emotion comes through a door for which you possess the only key. Happiness, fear, rage, sorrow, all emotions you allow to enter you through your thought process.

In reading Plato's Republic, Socrates is explaining why there is such importance in how it is that you teach a child death.

"Another thing we must banish is the wailing and lamentations of the famous
heroes. For this reason: if two friends are both men of high character,
neither of them will think that death has any terrors for his comrade; and so he
will not mourn for his friend's sake, as if something terrible had befallen him.

As shown, the learned horrors of death are the cause of the emotions of mourning and fear of death. Without that learned and feared vision which lies in the great beyond, death would not be a cause of such despair Teach yourself to feel as you will and answer the question "Am I happy" with a resounding "YES!"

My all-time favorite question is the one asked in hopes of an answer that is a lie such as "Are you cheating on me?" Well listen, if they are cheating - chances are they will lie as well. How about the question "Are you on drugs" again, would you really expect the answer to be "Yeah, I just shot up and I was thinking of going into your pocketbook and stealing some money so I could shoot up again." So how do you get answers to these and other questions of their ilk? You ask, "How are you doing?"

I can hear it now, "yeah, right, sure, that will work just as long as I'm waiving my magic wand and sprinkling fairy dust about." But the reason that I say ask how are you is that by having a continued open line of communication, and showing a genuine concern about the life of another person, you are more likely to be able to reach into that person. Perhaps they will lie, but you are much more likely to know that. By asking questions regularly you are showing your interest in a person's life in a substantial way; however, if you ask ridiculous questions, only in times of crisis, you are likely to receive a lie, and there are many of you who not only know that but count on it.

Another problem is that the act of asking a question has somehow gone through a metamorphosis where query has become statement. Somewhere along the way we have lost our ability to effectively communicate in a way which differentiates between knowing something and trying to find out. We assume knowledge, thereby disregarding any input from others. "Don't try to confuse me with the facts" seems to be the keyword of our new definition of answer - after all, why get the facts when we've already formed the opinion. If we hope for open communication between others and ourselves we need to start hearing answers with our ears and not our minds. How can we hope to understand where another person is coming from when our own voices are drowning out their answers? An exchange between two people cannot hope to be productive if we no longer understand each other. Listen first to understand what you are being told, than seek to be understood based on the facts rather than your own dialogue.