On Self Esteem

Most of us have at least some modicum of self esteem issues. We may feel we are great people and just are not "attractive" or we may feel attractive but are just not "smart". There are those of us who believe we'd be great "IF" and finish with some item or quality that we are insecure about our lack of. The most put-together among us tend to have esteem issues. Why?

Through a way too long marriage I believed my ex when he would call me names, convincing myself that I was either too short, too fat, too young then too old, not smart enough, not blonde enough lalala. Always something to keep my self esteem low enough to stay with his stupid ass. Meanwhile, it was his self esteem all along that was truly low. The things people will do to those they love out of insecurity. To convince someone that they are anything less than completely loveable only to secure your partnership with them is criminally cruel and selfish. It is a crime of low self esteem.

I have learned that I am not perfect by society's standards, but screw society - they aren't paying my bills, raising my children, loving my man or holding my friend's hands. Society does not, nor will it ever, know me so why live worrying about their standards. My esteem comes from finding out what it is I value, what is important to me in others for that is what is important to me myself. Beauty, Intelligence, Charm - all barometers for developing higher or lower self esteem - but what are they?

Beauty comes in different ways, be it a work of art or an eye crinkling smile, so yes I do value beauty but the beauty that comes from the artist who creates it, not what was granted unearned and unmerited. I look at my children and as attractive as they may be on a superficial level, I obtain the most joy in their kindnesses, their compassion, their wisdom, their humor, their dedication, their loyalty, their smiles and the love they give freely and earn in return. I look at my baby and see the tenderness, the compassion, the amazing imagination, the humor, the smile, the eyes and the love he feels for me and I give him in return. I look at my friends and see their wit, energy, curiosity, loyalty and sincerity. Yes, I value beauty.

I also value intelligence. When I was younger I joined Mensa, the intelli-elite IQ society, but soon thereafter realized that an IQ is a piece of luck, at best it's a good day with insight. I don't need a card telling me I'm smart because I look at the choices I make in friends, in ethics and in emotion and that's all the card I need (so I stopped paying dues - hey, chalk it up to an intelligent fiduciary decision). I value the same in those closest to me. A lucky 4.0 for a class means nothing compared to a hard fought 2.5. The attorneys I work with are often among the most measured intelligent, but I wouldn't trust them to watch my child for a day. There is more intelligence in living out there in the real world and making intelligent choices, regardless of what others are saying, than you can ever get reading a book or studying a science. So yeah, I value intelligence.

Charm - don't even try to charm me cuz when I see through it you're through.

Money, shit, Money can make you very ugly or it can spread joy - Money is tangible and an entity upon itself so measuring your humanity against it is nothing more than paganism - oh mighty lord dollar.

So, back to esteem, self esteem that is measured by superficial beauty, inherited intelligence, a con-man's dollar or a smile in your face charm is too often the measure that we hold ourselves up to - but is it what we truly hold others up to. Why is it that we are so much easier on other people than we are on ourselves. Values, morals, ethics, concern, compassion and love all tend to be left out of the equation when we measure ourselves up to the imaginary ideal that really doesn't exist. Self esteem, from early on, should not be tangible because what is tangible can be broken or taken away - but those things, like God, that we cannot see but know are real, exist and are beautiful - JUST LIKE YOU.